1.  Vancouver is a funny word.

2.  1 out of 3 Canadian drug addicts live in Vancouver proper.  1 in 2 live in the Vancouver metro area.

3.  Vancouver isn’t a part of Canada at all.  It is in fact jointly owned by a consortium of Chinese shipping companies.

4.  If Vancouver were a person, it would be the scummy kid who sat in the back of the class talking the whole time.

5.  During the two weeks of sunny weather in August — the only nice weather the city ever sees all year — the criminals crawl out to rob people.

6.  Vancouver advertises itself as a “world class city”.  Bit of a small dick problem, eh?

7.  Despite its massive homeless population, it’s a damned expensive place to live.

8.  Vancouver has mentioned that it has “potable water” in its promotional materials about environmentalism.  WTF?  So, Vancouver is the equal of rural Mexico?  Good work, guys.

9.  Last week a Vancouverite punched a dog just to watch its master cry.

10.  People from Vancouver are called Vancouverites.  Ew.

This was followed by an outpouring of surprise over the news that Salinger had still been alive.

“I mean, holy hell, you talk about Salinger in the same sentence as F. Scott Fitgerald or Mark Twain,” said Literary critic William H. Gass.  “It’s almost automatic to think he’s just as dead as those two guys.”

Academic Louis Menand noted, “Salinger didn’t die . . . I mean, like way back, cause he obviously did die or we wouldn’t be talking about this . . . anyhoo . . . Salinger didn’t die.  He just went so far off the deep end in the 1950s that he might as well have been dead for the next six decades.”

The Guiness Book of World Records holds that Salinger was the record holder for “Longest Time as Recluse Without Mailing a Bomb to a Government Official or Agency, or a Non-Profit Liberal Group Perceived as ‘One of Them’”.

Gass added in his statement, “I mean, the other day when I heard Howard Zinn had died, that registered.  You know, because people had talked about him like he still alive some time after the Johnson administration.”

Canadian readers may best remember Salinger from an incident in 1960, when he attempted to unilaterally annex part of southern Quebec to his Vermont summer vacation home.  The effort ended in September 1960 after the Royal Canadian Mounted Police foiled a poorly-conceived suicide by cop Salinger had hoped to attempt with help from an imaginary friend.  Salinger remained bitter for decades after the incident, insisting his imaginary friend had abandoned him.

In related news, $54,000 is now considered an acceptable levy of damages for downloading 24 songs.

P2P and online rights groups accepted the verdict.  A spokeperson for the Electronic Frontier Foundation told reporters, “Ya know, I could probably download $54,000 worth of songs and break even if I’m ever caught.  So, ya know, there’s nothing but upside, right?”

A spokesperson for the Recording Industry Association of America replied in a press release, “$1.92 million was restrained.  We feel betrayed by this ruling, and will use every fiber of our being to grab the few people left who care about music by the ankles and shake them until every last penny falls out.”

In a local twist, the last record store in West Dakota will be closing its doors on January 31st.  We say good-bye to Randy’s Record Mart, and look forward to whatever brand of wireless phone store will replace in the mall.

Conservative leader Laureen Harper, wife of prime minister Stephen Harper, told reporters it was unfair to classify a mythical people as endangered.

“Look, Eskimos are mythical — semi-mythical at best — creatures,” said Harper.  “I mean, have you ever seen an Eskimo?”

Harper added, “I look at the big empty upper part of the map, and I am, honestly here, a bit disappointed that cartographer don’t still draw sea monsters on it.  Because, to tell the truth, I think people would be a bit more realistic about the existence of Eskimos if they saw drawings of serpents and the words ‘terra incognita’ maybe like right over what people presume to call Baffin Island.”

Several Conservative MPs noted that Eskimo is an old Metis word for “no people here”.

Some Conservative Party members subscribe to the conspiracy theory that Eskimos were first invented by the Canadian government during the 1920s following a staggering census report that polar bears slightly outnumbered humans within the dominion.  In 1926, in one of his last acts as prime minister before leaving office, McKenzie King reputedly ordered that the census numbers be fixed, “Because, dammit, I’m not gonna be remembered as the guy who lost this country to the polar bears.”

Many Conservative leaders, joined by a significant number of members of the Liberal Party, believe that the adjustment is no longer needed, since Canada recognize French-speaking Canadians as human in 1995.

“All I ask is that one Eskimo appear before parliament . . . well, maybe two would be better, preferably a male and a female, cause I don’t want to go approving status for people who are gonna go extinct the minute Ted dies,” said Harper.

The matter will be taken when Parliament reconvenes in the spring.

Police said they had responded to reports of “un-Canadian activity” at the corner of Wheat Street and Oil Boulevard.

Upon arriving at the scene, officers spotted Haraldsen loitering.  Haraldsen was arrested without incident.

Prosecutors are still reviewing whether to press charges.

“In light of his highly Canadian co-operation, we figure to be lenient in this case,” said Crown Attorney Albrecht Stein.

Community leaders were outraged until Stein informed that outrage was, “highly un-Canadian”.

Traders see increased demand for Oxbow’s major export, cattle, now that the conservative minority government has shut down legislation to prevent the sale of cattle fed with oil-tainted wheat.

The Oxbow area is world-famous for it’s “oil wheat”, a special strain of pollution resistant wheat that grows only in West Dakota.

Outside groups had been lobbying the government to prevent the sale of beef from the Oxbow region, under the wrong-headed belief that chemicals from the oil will find their way into the human food chain.

Leading researchers have long believed that consumption of beef fed with oil wheat can lead to birth defects in the unborn and chronic anal bleeding in young children.

Oxbow’s leading cattle production, GenenCow, reiterated it position that all oil wheat products and animals fed with oil wheat are 103% safe for human consumption.  The extra 3% safety, according to GenenCow’s press release, is caused by an increase in daily consumption of awesome.

The proposal, to be presented by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the U.N. General Assembly tomorrow, outlines two possible options.

The first option, generally seen as the more likely to be adopted, would relocate Haiti’s 20 million residents to other countries over the course of the next two years.

“Even if we relocated them to the armpit of the nastiest swamp in Guyana, it would be an improvement,” said Clinton.

Several nations have already offered to take in the relocated Haitians.  Tanzanian officials told the U.N. they feel the relocations would be an investment, considering the untold power of all the black magic the Hatians would bring.

The second option would require installing an FTL drive on the western half of the island of Hispaniola and “jumping” Haiti to a better location.

“Look,” said Clinton, “some of our staff are really big fans of Lost.  And they seem to think if we can find Ben Linus and John Locke to turn the giant Mayan stone wheel or whatever it is that this proposal is doable.”

The Dominican Republic, owner of the other half of the island, has reportedly offered to foot half the bill for the FTL jump plan.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel commented that the second proposal is not serious.

“It’s one of those options that you put on the table just to take it off as a concession at some later point,” said Emmanuel, “Just political horse trading.”

An unnamed source at the White House also noted that they felt threatening such an outlandish action would scare the world into action, especially in the aftermath of the Bush administration.

The Secretary of State noted that the worst option would be to do nothing.

“We’ve tried everything — literally every single thing in Haiti,” said Clinton.  “One time, we even tried installing air fresheners.  Point is, we’re out of options and this is a bit of a stop loss.”

The General Assembly will convene Wednesday to hear the proposal.  A vote is expected before the weekend.

Hamilton drove to the nearest Staples, purchased several sheets of foam core and some permanent markers.  He drove home and made the perfect tribute.

With ticket in hand, he flew to San Diego for the Jets’ game against the Chargers.

And there he revealed to the nation a sign bearing these words: “DARTH REVIS”.

Fellow fans were confused.

“Look, I know a lot of black guys have weirdly spelled names, but spelling ‘Darrell’ D-A-R-T-H isn’t one of them,” said Chargers fan Janice Winkle, 41, of University City.  “Even for a Jets fan, this was pretty [expletive] retarded.”

Hamilton was outraged at his fellow fans.

“It’s a Star Wars reference,” Hamilton explained.

“That’s Vader!” a Chargers cheerleader hollered.

Hamilton was nonplussed.

“The Darth thing is a Sith thing.  Didn’t you watch the movies?  Did any of you people pay attention?” begged Hamilton.

Hamilton reportedly folded the sign up in the third quarter and sat dejected for the remainder of the game, despite the Jets victory.

“I was worried I wouldn’t get out of there alive after the Jets won,” said Hamilton,” but then I remembered the Chargers fans aren’t real fans.  They’re just bored sushi eaters who heard that something was going on at the stadium today and figured it would be a lark.”

Several online Star Wars forums were amazed to see any national attention for the franchise outside of a movie release.  One poster, Grvs69, said, “Now people will take the time to learn about the expanded universe, the best part of Star Wars.”

By Monday morning, the entire nation had forgotten the incident altogether.

by Donna Alfreddssen

The Sasaskatoon Saskies dropped their 15th straight game to the Ottawa Senators, losing 5-1.

The game was tied late in the third period when Saskies goaltender Leonid Andreyovoyovich objected to a tripping call by throwing his helmet at the line judge.  The Senators were awarded a five minute major and three penalty shots.  The Senators convert two of the three penalty shots, while also scoring two goals on the power play.

After the game, Andreyovoyovich told a reporter for TSN, “I no like call.  Shit line judge can die.”

Interim Saskies coach Mike Paulsen dismissed the penalty call.  “We didn’t play well all night.  That was a hiccup in an otherwise craptacular game.”

The loss dropped the Saskies to last in the Western Conference for the second time this season.

The Saskies next face off Thursday night against the visiting Winnipeg Jets.  Puck drops at the Sasaskatoon Sasaskadome at 7:30 pm.  The Thursday night matchup will feature a Potato Gun souvenir night, brought to you by the Oxbow Herald.