1.  Vancouver is a funny word.

2.  1 out of 3 Canadian drug addicts live in Vancouver proper.  1 in 2 live in the Vancouver metro area.

3.  Vancouver isn’t a part of Canada at all.  It is in fact jointly owned by a consortium of Chinese shipping companies.

4.  If Vancouver were a person, it would be the scummy kid who sat in the back of the class talking the whole time.

5.  During the two weeks of sunny weather in August — the only nice weather the city ever sees all year — the criminals crawl out to rob people.

6.  Vancouver advertises itself as a “world class city”.  Bit of a small dick problem, eh?

7.  Despite its massive homeless population, it’s a damned expensive place to live.

8.  Vancouver has mentioned that it has “potable water” in its promotional materials about environmentalism.  WTF?  So, Vancouver is the equal of rural Mexico?  Good work, guys.

9.  Last week a Vancouverite punched a dog just to watch its master cry.

10.  People from Vancouver are called Vancouverites.  Ew.

Conservative leader Laureen Harper, wife of prime minister Stephen Harper, told reporters it was unfair to classify a mythical people as endangered.

“Look, Eskimos are mythical — semi-mythical at best — creatures,” said Harper.  “I mean, have you ever seen an Eskimo?”

Harper added, “I look at the big empty upper part of the map, and I am, honestly here, a bit disappointed that cartographer don’t still draw sea monsters on it.  Because, to tell the truth, I think people would be a bit more realistic about the existence of Eskimos if they saw drawings of serpents and the words ‘terra incognita’ maybe like right over what people presume to call Baffin Island.”

Several Conservative MPs noted that Eskimo is an old Metis word for “no people here”.

Some Conservative Party members subscribe to the conspiracy theory that Eskimos were first invented by the Canadian government during the 1920s following a staggering census report that polar bears slightly outnumbered humans within the dominion.  In 1926, in one of his last acts as prime minister before leaving office, McKenzie King reputedly ordered that the census numbers be fixed, “Because, dammit, I’m not gonna be remembered as the guy who lost this country to the polar bears.”

Many Conservative leaders, joined by a significant number of members of the Liberal Party, believe that the adjustment is no longer needed, since Canada recognize French-speaking Canadians as human in 1995.

“All I ask is that one Eskimo appear before parliament . . . well, maybe two would be better, preferably a male and a female, cause I don’t want to go approving status for people who are gonna go extinct the minute Ted dies,” said Harper.

The matter will be taken when Parliament reconvenes in the spring.