Traders see increased demand for Oxbow’s major export, cattle, now that the conservative minority government has shut down legislation to prevent the sale of cattle fed with oil-tainted wheat.

The Oxbow area is world-famous for it’s “oil wheat”, a special strain of pollution resistant wheat that grows only in West Dakota.

Outside groups had been lobbying the government to prevent the sale of beef from the Oxbow region, under the wrong-headed belief that chemicals from the oil will find their way into the human food chain.

Leading researchers have long believed that consumption of beef fed with oil wheat can lead to birth defects in the unborn and chronic anal bleeding in young children.

Oxbow’s leading cattle production, GenenCow, reiterated it position that all oil wheat products and animals fed with oil wheat are 103% safe for human consumption.  The extra 3% safety, according to GenenCow’s press release, is caused by an increase in daily consumption of awesome.

In a 5-2 vote, the Oxbow Area School District rejected a request to provide all students in the district with a free laptop.

Board member Ben Olsen, who led the charge against the proposal, said the main issue in rejecting was pornography.

“When I was a kid, pornography was a journey of discovery, and adventure,” said Olsen.  “Me and the other board members felt that giving the kids free laptops made it way too easy to find porn.”

Board president Gina Hakarsson had offered an amendment to implement website filtering on the laptops.  Olsen rejected the proposal, noting, “Any kid with an internet connection can bypass that crap in ten seconds.”

District supervisor Alfred Swenson offered a proposal for adding keyloggers, systems that would track what students typed, to the laptops.

Area parent Lisa Alreddssen objected to the keyloggers.

“Would you really want to read the sick crap that kids type all day long?”  asked Alreddssen.

A visibly aroused Swenson replied, “No.”

Asked after the meeting why the issue was so important, board member Olsen told The Herald, “Finding my brothers titty mags was a revelation.  If it weren’t for finding my porn, my mom would still worry I might be gay.  Every kid has the right to go through that process.  Which would you rather do?  Scramble to hide a magazine, or click ‘Clear Recent History’?  It’s a no brainer.”

Area students expressed exasperation at the board’s decision.

“These idiots do realize what we’re doing in the boiler room during study hall, right?” asked an eighth grader who asked repeatedly that his name not be kept anonymous.  “A couple texts after lunch and that place looks like a [expletive] speakeasy.”

National Honors Society president Tammy Olafssen was less glib in her analysis.  The Herald refuses to print her comment on journalistic grounds.

In other board meeting news, the school district approved a measure raising the tax millage 20 mills to cover the district’s disastrous short-term investments in area Indian casinos.  A portion of the tax increase will also be used to pave the back parking lot where seniors park their cars.  Senior car permit prices will go up $15 to $125 a year.

Supervisor Swenson noted he will try to help students who can’t afford the fee to “work it off”.