U.S. proposes relocating Haiti
UAP (Miami) — In a bold move meant to stem centuries of failed interventions, the United States has proposed the relocation of Haiti.
The proposal, to be presented by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the U.N. General Assembly tomorrow, outlines two possible options.
The first option, generally seen as the more likely to be adopted, would relocate Haiti’s 20 million residents to other countries over the course of the next two years.
“Even if we relocated them to the armpit of the nastiest swamp in Guyana, it would be an improvement,” said Clinton.
Several nations have already offered to take in the relocated Haitians. Tanzanian officials told the U.N. they feel the relocations would be an investment, considering the untold power of all the black magic the Hatians would bring.
The second option would require installing an FTL drive on the western half of the island of Hispaniola and “jumping” Haiti to a better location.
“Look,” said Clinton, “some of our staff are really big fans of Lost. And they seem to think if we can find Ben Linus and John Locke to turn the giant Mayan stone wheel or whatever it is that this proposal is doable.”
The Dominican Republic, owner of the other half of the island, has reportedly offered to foot half the bill for the FTL jump plan.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel commented that the second proposal is not serious.
“It’s one of those options that you put on the table just to take it off as a concession at some later point,” said Emmanuel, “Just political horse trading.”
An unnamed source at the White House also noted that they felt threatening such an outlandish action would scare the world into action, especially in the aftermath of the Bush administration.
The Secretary of State noted that the worst option would be to do nothing.
“We’ve tried everything — literally every single thing in Haiti,” said Clinton. “One time, we even tried installing air fresheners. Point is, we’re out of options and this is a bit of a stop loss.”
The General Assembly will convene Wednesday to hear the proposal. A vote is expected before the weekend.
